Crimes of knit and consequence

I have made some attempts at developing a hobby. Unfortuately, my efforts have been for naught. Here is a summary.

1. I tried weaving
bought lots of cute yarn
weaved about 30 rows
created some sort of unusable cup holder
promptly donated skeins to Goodwill for betterment of humanity

2. I tried glass art
bought cute paints
painted pictures on glass
developed skin allergy to glass paint
donated products to goodwill for betterment of humanity

3. I tried painting plant pots.
bought more cute paints
painted about 5 plant pots
developed severe case of boredom
products hanging out in craft graveyard in my junk room.

I think I should be banned from Michael's Craft Store for crimes against crafts and humanity.

Don't mess with my turkey, Dude!

I was leaving my beloved "wholesale club" last Friday when this nicely dressed men muttered something. I foolishly thought he was asking for directions. No he was me asking for money! I shook my head and said NO! And I thought that was the end of that!

Well, this guy starts following me to my car! I get freaked out and run back into my beloved "wholesale club." I tell this lady who works there about this guy and she calls the Police!!! Luckily there is an officer who is posted outside the store and he immediately chases the guy across the street.


I hang out at the store until the officer gets back. I am totally freaking out and then I realize I somehow I managed to hold onto my rotisserie turkey during my sprint back to the store!

The officer gets back and tells me this guy is a "regular" and a panhandler. He can't arrest him for reason x and reason Y. OK I understood that. I am glad the guy was shooed away from the store. I am happy the police officer was there and I am safe.

Well, this incident really provoked alot of thought. You really have to be on guard in the DC metropolitan area. You really can't let your guard down. I have to say that I'd really like to move home and not have to deal with this kind of stuff.

If things got really bad, I think I would have thrown my rotisserie turkey at the bad guy, kick him, and ran like hell. I learned from my favorite movie, Battle Royale that anything can make a good weapon!

Oblivious butt flickr

I was crossing the street going to Potbelly to get my turkey on when this 'oblivious butt flickr' almost threw her ciggy ashes onto my gorgeous wool jacket.

I didn't scream stop but gave a gutteral 'unnghhg nooo" and it stopped her in her tracks. My coat is OK thanks for asking.

This lady was totally oblivious. A few moments earlier she almost stepped right in front of a cab. Doesn't everybody know that DC cabbies are freaking insane?

I prey she doesn't have progeny. I don't think the world can handle that much stupid gene.

Weirdos and other strange attractors

I recently read a New York Times article about how some people feel like they attract weirdos in their life. For example, one person felt like they had random crazy people just go up and talk to them.

I feel kind of the same way. Except, I feel like an unusually high number of people try to save my soul. I get approached by soul savers all the time.

There was a super creepy guy at the metro station today. He wore a suit and approached me from the side. I was ready to Tai Bo kick him until he said the magic words, "Are you familiar with the Lord....."

Oh God!

Dude, don't prostyleze at me. You almost got kicked cause I thought you looked like you were going to corner me or something.

I think that this is about the 20th time someone has tried to save my soul. I don't understand why? Do I look like I need saving? Do they sense I am a Republican?

Unadulterated Carnage

I have many resolutions for 2007.

1. I am going to learn how to play Gears of War.

2. I will attract better pinatas to my pinata garden.

3. I will try Indian food again.

4. I will have a big fat juicy steak at a big schmancy steakhouse in DC

5. I will not join a bookclub.

6. I will get annoyed at the number of people who have noted how long my graduate program will take and laugh at them. Don't they know I am going to live till 125 years old?

7. I am going to get my multivariable calculus and differential equations on.

8. I am going to take more taxi rides. My last two metrorail rides ended in tears.

9. I promise I will get annoyed with my outlaws.

10. I will visit the far reaches of North Carolina.

Sturm und Drang

Well, I have had enough of the office mate and requested a transfer. She is rapidly approaching delusional. I hope to be out of the office by the end of October. Since she is so mean, the proverbial gloves are off and I can make mock her without remorse.....if she kills me before then, perhaps my blog will be helpful to the authorities.

About two weeks ago she made an announcement. She told me that she is going to marry my coworker "Dean." So what do you say to that? I think I said "Oh"

Point 1: Dean and Ms. Hot House Flower aren't involved
Point 2: She is 42 yrs old and he is 25. Hellooo Mrs. Robinson
Point 3: "Dean" only dates asian ladies. And Ms. Hot House Flower isn't.
Point 4: She is dating some guy in Baltimore. Nice morals hunh?

I really want to be out of the office when she realizes that it isn't gonna work out between her and Dean. Watch out Dean, I think my office mate is a bunny killer a la Fatal Attraction.

When coworkers see Pookas

Well, I don't know if its weather related but my office mate seems to have lost her tenuous grip on reality. This is the office mate that I refer to as Ms. Hot House Flower (HHF).

She asked if I remembered a contractor who worked with us last year AKA 'JOE'. I said yes. She asked if I remembered when Joe called Ben (one of my coworkers) a 'Potato Head' (VEG is substituted to protect identity.) I scrambled for an answer and said 'I don't recall much of anything last year about this contractor.' She was somewhat mystified.

I can't imagine Joe ever calling Ben a spud head. Is Ms. HHF delusional? I don't know if I should tell my boss about this. It is just too weird to sit with someone who makes this stuff up.

Maybe she has an imaginary Pooka or in her case a Spudka or Potatoeooka.

Apre moi, le deluge

Well in case you haven't heard, all hell is breaking loose in Washington DC:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/06/26/AR2006062600234.html

Yes, we have a interim time during our West Nile summer vacation, its summer flood time everybody. We are expected to get rain for the next four days or so. And we are already doing so well with just one day!!!

Currently, the Department of Homeland Security is advising commuters to bring small rafts or personal inflatable kayaks in case they need to evacuate Metrorail in a hurry. Yes, wouldn't it be fun to go under the Potomac tunnel: underwater and on a kayak! Plus with the electrified third rail, it'll just be like a Disney ride. Pirates on the Potomac. I digress...you'd have to get on to K street for that ride.

Its kind of funny to have this quasi natural disaster right now. It really keeps my mind off the big things.

Joe and his toe on the metro

As I was returning home on Metrorail last week, I overheard a very strange conversation.

This 20ish year old man "Joe" was talking to his pals and lamenting the state of his toe. Apparently, that morning the metro escalator tried to eat his toe. He fought back, but the metro escalator took a good chunk off. Normally, this wouldn't bother me but I looked down and saw the toe. It was covered in alot of gauze and wrap. I almost hurled on Joe's toe. I was buried in a book and didn't realize that the offending digit was right next to me.

I can't imagine who would be more horrorfied...me, the toe, or Joe.

Beating coffee beans into bullets

Today there was much rejoicing. A Caribou Coffee opened on 15th and L. Now I am in the center of the coffee trifecta. Au Bon Pain, Starbucks, and Caribou Coffee.

However, not all my coworkers share my joy. I was talking to "Ethel" in the break room and expressing how happy I was to get a free coupon for Caribou Coffee. In walks "Bill." He proceeds to tell me how Caribou Coffee is owned by an Islamic Bank and how they fund terrorists. (I have researched this issue and found yes most of their stock is owned by an investment bank Islamic Bank of Bahrain but they do not have any ties to terrorists.)

I tell him I think he is full of crap about the terrorism ties. He told me to go ahead and "Stick My HEAD INTO the sand. And my Coffee is funding terrorists." I roll my eyes at him and say "Whatever...I am going to enjoy my coffee"

What a jerk! Who is he to question my patriotism? I love the United States. If I thought for one minute that my coffee beans were used to fund bullets, I'd be the first one to stop drinking coffee from there. I am not going to drink "Conflict Coffee."

Wow what a conspiracy theorist! I think Bill is off his meds. I can't wait till he retires too. I am going to secretly replace his Folgers with Caribou Coffee Beans and see if he can tell the difference!

Surburban Poachers:

I had a terrible terrible problem with my dryer. It smelled like something died in it. It was time to go to the Professionals.

Mr. Dryer Guy came on time and promptly figured out the problem. I had an abandoned nest composed of rotting mulch in my dryer vent. Nothing died, it was just a gross leftover nest type of thing. I wanted to hug Mr. Dryer Guy! He got to work and then the neighbors started to come over.

They talked to Mr. Dryer Guy and began to interrupt his work. Since Mr. Dryer Guy works by the job not by the hour, I really didn't care if he discussed business with him. I am quite annoyed with my neighbors though. They don't introduce themselves, they just try to poach my contractors. I only see them when I have an outdoor house problem. Actually, they have mistaken me for a contractor because they don't recognize me (even though I live next door to them in Cameron Station)

I have thought about creating joke business cards and handing them out. Is that illegal?

I really might make alot of money as an amatuer mulcher and small garden stylist.

Stockholm syndrome worker case study

I forgot to bring the Moet to work. I was going to toast at my main enemy Shoopies retirement party!

Today was her last day.

It was a very very strange event. The retirement party started like a presentation. Her bosses got up and talked about what a great person she was. It was very much like a funeral except the deceased was looking on with a sneer. Basically every body said she was this awesome worker bee and she didn't suffer fools.

One of her mentorees Mr. Mini-Me got up and talked about how her biting criticism made him stronger. And wow isn't she great!

I think these people have a variant of Stockholm Syndrome. I hope with some time and therapy they will get past this.

I stifled the giggles as I watched the eye rolling from all of the other 'mentoree.' My office roommate Ms. Hothouse Flower told me that this afternooon was so 'sad' because this lady is retiring. I mumbled something back.

I never thought I'd see this day because I thought I'd quit before she retired.

I'd like to quote the Munchkins:

"Ding dong the Witch is dead, the Wicked Witch is dead"

Queen Elizabeth wave

I went for a walk yesterday with Mr. Spouse. We often see neighbors and such on our stroll. I have learned that neighbors do not talk or acknowledge each other in Northern Virginia. In fact it is discouraged.

I can't help waving to them. I just can't stop my hand from saying "Hey Neighbor." They often respond by looking in the other direction or closing their garage door. So I have developed a new waving technique. I call it a "Sardonic Salute" I mix the Queen Elizabeth wave with short salute gesture. I have gotten mixed results.

However, the Sardonic Salute makes me happy. I get to be slightly sarcastic and neighborly at the same time. How can you go wrong with that?

Team building excercise in futility

Due to peer pressure, I caved in and attended a team building event at lunch today.

I will never have those two hours of my life back. Oh well.

We watched a movie..."Office Space", ate pizza, and had freezer cake.

I watched the movie, did not eat the pizza, and passed on the freezer cake.

I never eat lunch with any of the other people on the team. In fact, I really don't care for them. Being in the same room was pure torture. Also, my boss Mr. We Don't Want to Start a Precedent was there. It is really difficult to feel team spirit when my Boss flippantly canceled my Thanksgiving vacation this past year.

On a lighter note, I don't know how people can eat pizza and cake within 20 minutes of one another. They must have stomachs of steel. Then they drank Fresca. Good Grief, I am getting queasy just thinking of this unholy combo.

Take this job and shove it up your cherry blossom!

This is in response to a vacation request during a major holiday. I am gearing up to request a another. I must be strong!

Metro most foul!

I honestly do now understand how people survive MetroRail for more than one year.

It is to be quite frank, terrible.

Today took the cake. I lucked out with a seat. I was thrilled...for about 2 seconds. The person in front of me was very very stinky. As you may know, I am not a crass person. However, in this case, I must be once again be quite frank. The person in front of me smelled like a wet dog that rolled over a dead skunk, ate part of the dead skunk, and regurgitated said skunk. It was skunky de parfum.

I never thought of my allergies were a blessing. I thanked God that my sinuses were not clear and were shielding me from this terrible human being.

Well, this person left at the Reagan station. I didn't have to hold my breath for the entire trip.

I wish they had emergency potpurri sprays on the Metro in case of these dire situations!

Oh my heck, we lost Bertie!

I heard this on the metro train the other day. A very nice group of tourists lost one of their brethern. They didn't realize that "Doors Closing" means "Get your a## on the train now!"

As the train left, I overheard one say "Well, she can get on the next train"

I thought, "Oh my heck, I hope Bertie pays attention and picks the right color train or they won't be seeing Bertie for a while"

There should be a tourist primer for MetroRail!

Plant bouncers

I love Spring. I love the pollen in the air. I love the backbreaking yard work for a 6x8 space.

But I especially love the number of concrete yard animals and fruits that magically appear every spring! I swear it looks like Noah's Ark out there!

So far I found a sheep, a frog, a deer, and numerous pineapples. I often wonder where they buy these things! Do they all go en masse to the Williamsburg Pottery Factory. Or do my neighbors buy their goods at Smith and Hawkens.

I am always quite amused by the number of pots and front stoop decoration. One townhouse here had a plant pot on every step. It looked like you had to squeeze between 5 plant pots and the railing to get up the stairs.

Also, there is a new plant pot development. I noticed many neighbors buy 3-4 ft plant pots and stick them right outside their doors. They are huge! Especially if you had shrubbery. They look like a security detail or bouncers! Do these people realize that two 5 ft behomoths are a little bit out of proportion to their door and front steps?

Coffee coffee everywhere but you gotta get in line to drink!

There is one thing I really like about DC. I have numerous places where I can obtain coffee!

I have developed a serious coffee habit. I expect nothing less than perfection if I pay about $3.00 for an espresso or abour $2 for drip. How difficult is it to make good coffee for those prices?

My favorite place is definitely my local Au Bon Pain. They really do a nice job and are very consistent about my coffee. Plus the people there are super nice.

I tried my local Starbucks and found the drip coffee undrinkable. This is the one near 15th and K. It had a bitter chemical aftertaste and was terrible. I am not a Starbucks hater. I'll happily drink an espresso drink there. So I was quite shocked how bad their regular coffee was. I see people there line up about 15 deep in the morning! I began to wonder if their specialty drinks with milk and flavorings just mask a terrible taste?

Earth to Starbucks.....improve you quality control!!! I'm off to Carribo Coffee on L street or as I like to call them "FauxBoo" because of their fakey western decor.

Metro escalator attacks!

My day started out swell! I had a dentist appointment. It was pure torture. My appointment went OK but the patient next door wasn't doing too well. Mr. Dentist told her she may not be going home with all her teeth due to "insert medical language here."

Brush and floss. For God sakes, brush and floss everybody!!!

Anyway, I go home and then venture off the Van Dorn Metro to start my commute. I got my yoga mat and about 25 lbs of stuff in my backpack. I walk up the escalator and shish boom bam I bop my shin on the escalator! I screech like a banshee! The escalator has drawn blood. Thank god I feel partially on my yoga mat! Otherwise I may have had a broken wrist.

At this point I turn around and go home. And for a time I crawl under the covers.

I'm not kidding.

Escalator 1 Economist 0