Post office party trash talk

Warning, the following post contains un-Christmas like sentiments. Read at your own risk.

Well today was the big day. Our Secret Santas were unveiled. I am not sure who mine is because they did not show up at the unveil. No, I don't think it was fear, I just think they were too busy.

I do know that my Secret Santa was very cheap. And I spent way too much money. Yes, I know this isn't a very charitable thought. I should be grateful yadda yadda yadda. OK, I am over it.

Oh my gawd. The proverbial stuff hit the fan today. The entire Division is moving staff around and Buffy is moving too! I am sorry to see Buffy go....I really am. She talks too much but I really do like her. Other staff are moving as well. People are threatening to resign and/or look for other jobs quit over this. Wow, this is just the thing to boost morale over the holidays! I really don't know what they are thinking. They should have waited after the New Year to go forward. Now people are going to stew and plot over this.

I may be the only one left after this year is up. I think everyone else is going to retire or quit.

Secret Santa, an outdated American custom

As you know, Christmas is rapidly approaching. Buffy is coordinating Secret Santa this year.

It is very important to be popular at work if one is going to coordinate the Secret Santa game. Buffy is valiantly trying to get more staff to participate. Unfortunately, we have a rival secret Santa game that is being planned by the current Queen Bee. We shall call this women Jane Jones. She has a slavish harem of men friends that hang onto her every word. Buffy, my coworker only has one devoted man friend, Baker. Buffy has not had the time to garden a cult of personality and is struggling to get more participants.

I do not know when we have time to work especially with all this social climbing going around. God forbid, we do any work and publish data or publications or something. I digress.

Jane Jones has about 80% of the staff from my branch participating in her Secret Santa game. Buffy has the other 10. Another 10% refuses to participate. These last 10% are the smart ones.

Buffy is not taking this very well. She has called them 'snotty' and 'tacky.' My god, these are very harsh words coming from a Southern Belle like her. Baker, her man coworker friend tries to console her. They still lunch together. And I found out that they are considering shopping together after work as well.

I think Secret Santa is the stupidest idea I have ever heard. Of course I have been sucked into the drama. Of course I am participating in Buffy's game not Jane Jones. Why can't we all get along?

This is not the way to start the holidays

Well, I am trying to come to terms with my canceled leave. Others in DC are not doing so well.

Last week a naked guy jumped through a window in an office building on 15th Street. This is approximately near the 15th and K Starbuck and the Washington Post Building. I did not see the guy jump but I saw the weird CSI like aftermath. 15th Street was closed off. All the firetrucks and ambulances and police were hanging out around the scene. Numerous office workers gawked and smoked. I hurried to get my Cosi salad and scurried away from the unpleasantness.

There is a new soap opera at work and it doesn't involve me! One of my coworkers, I'll call him 'Baker' has a crush on my officemate 'Buffy'. 'Baker' is engaged and 'Buffy' is oblivious. They chat, they laugh, they lunch! It unfortunately seems headed for disaster or a diesengagement.

Work was crazy today. Not only did I contend with deadlines but with Buffy's caffeine intake. Buffy is chatty. Add caffeine and you have an untenable situation. I don't think Buffy notices that she is sometimes the only one doing the talking. I sometimes tune her out and nod at appropriate moments. I think this is a primitive survival mechnism. That and my Sony noise reduction headphones works like a charm.

We don't want to start a precedent

I am furious. My Thanksgiving and Christmas leave were canceled. I was told that we don't want to have a precedent. Well they can kiss my precedent.

I really hate these workaholics. Who schedules an important presentation on Thankgiving week? Don't they know that is a sacred week to us peons? We dance around big tables grabbing drumlets and eat sweet potatoes. It is an American tradition.

I didn't realize that Thankgiving could be so unpleasant even before it happened.

I love tourists!

Dear Bloggy,

It is summer. The tourists are here in DC! I wuv them to death.

Not only do they bring tax dollars to the city, they shuffle around DC much to my amusement. I hear them say the most amusing things. Here are some snippets.

Tourist story #1 A Confusing turn of events

At McPherson square near the turnstiles, I see a bunch of people mulling around. Oh no I think, I am walking on a crime scene. NO! Just some more tourists baffled by the turnstiles. Gosh I can relate to that! Poor tourists. One of the guy tourists is screaming at this wife , "Go through go through, don't wait" I am thinking, man that guy is mean. Gosh, maybe thats why she is having such a hard time with the turnstile concept...I myself can't concentrate with all the screaming. The women gets through and the rest of the group follow like ducklings through the same turnstile.

Tourist story #2 The little detective

On my way home on the blue line, I hear a very serious voice behind me.

"Mom, CeCe doesn't believe me"

(muffled sound from Mom)

"I did see it"

CeCe says "You have no proof"

UG says "I say it in the water or no...in the air"

(I am not sure what the kid saw but I think CeCe should consider a career in law enforcement>

Tourist Story 3: Killer grates attack innocent shoes

I am trudging toward McPherson square and I see this women stop in her tracks. This is definitely odd I think. And then she slowly falls to the ground....knees buckle....and swoosh she really gracefully falls to the side. Two people stop to help her. She has no shoes on. They are firmly planted in the grate in front of her! The grate ate the shoes! She is OK and laughs it off no worse for wear. Someone wrestles the shoes off the grate and hands it to the lady. We all laugh and all is well!

Bloggy, thats all for now, I'll write again soon!

A

Flip flops, menace to civilization

Dear Bloggy,

I am furious. Someone dropped an LL bean tote on my toe. Luckily, I was wearing sturdy walking shoes so the damage was minimal. It smarts now though. Thank goodness, I don't wear sandals on metro.

Gosh, now I am paranoid about getting smushed toekins. I don't understand how people can wear flip flops in DC. OK people, I don't want to upset the general populace, however this must be said.

Suits and flip flops look silly. Plus I don't like looking at naked feet. I guess its OK at the beach but it is truly gross to see people's toes in the city. I don't know why. I don't like to think of flip flops at Starbucks. It is just soooo vulgar. Flip flops shouldn't be worn in museums either. Put a toe-burka on, their called birkinstocks people. Wear wooly socks for a truly fashionable granola statement.

I don't know why city flip flops bother me. I have some theories.

1. I have arch envy (i lost mine a few years ago)
2. I want cute toes too.
3. The awful thunk thunk noise interrupts my whimical thoughts.
4. I dislike seeing feet get stepped on.
5. Accidents happen. Squirrels do attack what they can reach.

Keep flip flops at the beach and your toes covered people! DC is a conservative town!

A.

Those darn cherry blossoms

Dear Bloggy,

The cherry blossoms are blooming. I've transferred to my new job. Things are almost serene.

It always seem that life changes dramatically for me around cherry blossom time.

I don't know if I am going to venture to the Tidal Basin this year. Well, its because of the hordes. The Tidal Blossom tourists are just like cicadas, except ruder! They fly around, bump into you, and then attack the trees. You often see them clumped around the cherry trees, hanging on to branches...often wrenching off delicate flowers to stuff up their noses. I don't know if I can stand to see the horticulture abuse. Egad people, the cherry trees are a national treasure not the national climb-a-tree contest!

I am being curmudgeonly because I admit, I just want the cherry blossoms to myself!

Sincerely,

A.

More job trauma and drama

Dear Bloggy,

Egad, I am being 'reassigned' at work. I am waiting for the ax to fall.

Right now, it will be a test of nerves, steel, and determination. Will I quit? Will my boss fire me? Who is going to blink first?! Me me me.

In the meantime I am going to think of 1001 ways to say, I quit!

1.
boss@dolt.com
from a@dolt.com
re: Status
Stick a fork in me, I"M DONE. I quit.


2.
boss@dolt.com
from a@dolt.com
re: Status
So long. Farewell. Auf Wiedersehen, good night!
I quit I quit I quit this ghastly site!

3.
boss@dolt.com
from a@dolt.com
re: status
day o day oooo daylight come and me quit my job
come mister tally man tally the project
nobody can count cause this economist go home

4.


boss@dolt.com
from a@dolt.com
re: status

I think that I have never seen
a project unwieildy assigned to me

A project that you assigned in jest
Against all odds my very worst test

I quit now, so summer I will frolic

A series of unfortunate work events

Dear Bloggy,

Today was just terrible.

My day started off on the metro. As I stood up to exit the train, I heard a very strange sound. It sounded like a cat spitting up a very big fur ball. Well, it wasn't a cat that spit up.

Some poor gentleman blew chunks all over the train. Oh man, talk about foreshadowing.
You should have seen how fast people got out of the train! It was amazing. They wouldn't let the train leave the station until a hazmat team arrived.

And then my day went downhill from there. I was pestered to finish the project from hell. I am beginning to understand why some animals gnaw of their limbs to get out of traps. I am going to call in sick one day and say I have Ebola. I won't be coming back.

My day was so bad I need to create a list why this day was so bad:

1. Criticized for use of passive aggressive voice in writing.
2. Developed thicker layer of skin due to criticism at today's 4 hour discussion about my paper
3. I got caught behind a haze of ciggy smoke as I lept from the metro.
4. My boss noted that I do more editorial work than analytical! Wow, briliant observation buddy!
5. Considered quitting for the upteenth time. Totally imagined sending in my resignation e-mail.

boss@dolt.com
from a@dolt.com
re: status

I quit.
OR

boss@dolt.com
from a@dolt.com
re: I quit

I'm serious.


OR

boss@dolt.com
from a@dolt.com
re: status

Paper not done
Project not done
I quit. Done I am. (Notice use of passive voice)

OR
boss@dolt.com
from a@dolt.com
re: status

Cherry blossoms bloom
Then they go away
Just like me....

If I were more disciplined I would learn how to write a haiku. I can't seem to control my urge to use passive voice in my writing. NOT! My boss wrote that section of the paper! God, I am working with dodos.

The sky is falling, the sky is falling....

Dear Bloggy,

I am very bored and waiting for the snow to blanket DC. Here is my top 10....

People I HATE:

1. My co-worker Shoopie

2. My neighbor who stole my trashcan and recycle bins

3. The other neighbor who doesn't wave

4. Mr. Martha, the grumpy neighbor across the street who also doesn't wave

5. Elaine, my neighbor who moved to the 'exclusive' part of the hood

6. Freaky people on the Metro

7. Anybody that lights up on a metro escalator in front of me

8. Snarky co-workers who leave crumbs

9. Authors who write overrated novels like 'Prep'

10. Rude accountants

Luv,

A

Two by two, the pineapples entered the ark

Oh I have seen spring! Concrete pineapples are the new harbringer.

I saw two baby concrete pineapples on my neighbor's mini yard. As you may know, my neighbors are quite fond of decorating their brick homes with stark grey 1-2ft concrete pineapples. Today I saw two little ones proudly hanging out. Doing the pineapple thing. So this is the second set I have seen.

They seem to be breeding. If this continues I may need to cull the herd.

Anyway, my neigbor stole another recycling bin. I don't understand how. The numbers were clearly labled using six inch bright and reflective letters from Home Depot. It is not a total loss. They left their old one on my driveway. Guess what. It's mine now. I just spraypainted it. I feel like a Viking. I saw it and claimed it. The end.

I didn't take it. It just seems like they swapped theirs out. I wish this recycle bin insanity would stop. I am going to have to go back to Home Depot to get more numbers and letters. Watch out if you ever visit my house. I am so paranoid about things getting stolen I might put 3 inch reflective sticker numbers on you.

There by the grace of God

I narrowly escaped with my life today. I was on my way home on 395 and was in the fast lane. Traffic ahead of us stopped suddenly. And boom three cars in front of us crashed. We braked. We almost hit the car in front of us. Somehow the car behind us stopped quickly too. We stopped within six inches of the car in front of us.

We called 911 and that was it. The police took care of the rest. The people in front of us looked OK and would walk away. Their cars were demolished.

This has been some Fat Tuesday.