It's beginning to look alot like grand larceny

Well, I've been trashcanKnapped.

My trashcan is gone and I haven't received a ransome note. I can safely assume that my trashcan is gone baby gone. This is not good. I "lost" a recycling bin about two months ago. I am starting to see a pattern.

I don't understand how this happened! The trashcan is clearly labeled with the street name and number. It just didn't sprout legs and decide to go for a walk or roll...whatever the case may be!

Since it was trash day today, I drove around my neigbOOrhood searching for my trashcan. If I saw my trashcan I was going to kidnap it back. What's mine is mine. What would the thief do? Call the police and say that someone stole back their trashcan? I think not.

I think I probably raised the hackles of the neighborhood watch! I am sure they were thinking....why is the person who I think is the nanny/contractor driving around and slowing down near the recycle bins. Are they trying to take my alumninum cans?

Anyway, after my unsuccessful canhunt, I went to Home Depot to purchase a new trashcan. They only had wastebaskets.

Why would anyone do this? Does my neigbor need a new trashcan and decided to salvage the one next door. Are their bands of little vagrants stealing trashcans for nefarious purposes? Did aliens abduct my trashcan?

Note to skunky trashcan stealing varmint of a neigbor! I am going to put a webcam up and find our who you are! I will not rest till I have justice!

My Christmas list

I wasn't fired today. Thank goodness. They confuse me so.

Anyway, it was time to leave and I jogged over to McPherson Square since it was so cold.

I saw and heard alot of weird things on my ride home today. First, I saw a woman who had an enormous broach on her head. It was definitely a broach...not a scrunchie or things of that sort placed ever so delicately on her head. I wondered how it was attached to her head but I am too polite to ask such a thing.

Secondly, this lady next to me chatted up another and discussed Christmas gifts. She said her husband was a bit strange. He created a "WISH LIST" and asked for extravagant things like Plasma screens and tickets to Bowl games OH my! Regardless of what he wants, she said he is just going to get one pair of NIKEs. Regardless of what she says, I feel sorry for this man.

I always wanted a pony. Perhaps, if I were friends with this lady, she might get me a pair of Nikes too.

I am glad that I am home now.

Nasty coworkers and other dark tales

Wow, I wasn't fired today! It might have been a mercy.

I have the meanest coworker on the planet. I have never met anyone so painful to be around. Honestly I am a little afraid of her. During Halloween, she gave out really nice candy bars. I don't trust her enough to actually eat the candy bar. This alarms me greatly.

She was in a particularly schizo mood today. She varied between ignoring me and criticizing my sense of direction. I unfortunately had to go to a meeting with her. I usually try to avoid her. Today it was impossible to avoid Shoopie.

There isn't alot that I can do to aggravate Shoopie; she is in a foul mood most of the time. So I make the best use of my arsenal. I have a Shoopie Indicator. I am for +5 score as "good" on my performance indictor!

Weapon Reaction Effect
"Good Morning" Glare +5
"How are you" Grimace +3
"How was you weekend?" Groan, look of pain +10
"How is your cat?" Happy -10
"Vacation" Varies -5 to +5
"I need your help" Evil Eye +25
"I have a question" Loss of consciousness +50

Now I am going to listen to some Trance and think about my younger years.

Bad kitty

Oh my. I have found more original ART on the web.

This kitty looks really angry. I am not kidding. I think I am going to go to hell for criticizing other people's art....well....it will be worth it in this case!

http://www.shopgoodwill.com/viewItem.asp?ItemID=1090179

I find this picture really odd. The kitten has no eyelids. Also, the kitty is in the center of the painting surrounded by strategically placed flowers. OK, I've never seen any cat look that intent unless it was dinner time. And I don't see any kitty kibble around this kitten.

Oh good lord, the kitty is just surreal. Does it just hang out in the garden look surprised all day?

OK, must hold back...cannot stop commenting. The light....it seems to be coming from up above. There is too much light on its head. It is almost angelic. But it looks surprised. Perhaps it is looking at a hawk on a really bright day. Is it thinking, I think the hawk is going to....oh no, why, I am too cute to die, surprise, urp, the end.

Maybe Death be a pineapple tonight!

Godspeed cute little squirrel

I am going to tell the tale of a squirrel so bad he was featured on America's Most Wanted. He is on the Interpol watch list for criminal activities such as stealing nuts and making himself a nuisance at bird feeders. I will call this squirrel Bob. His name has been changed to protect his family of 20 siblings and 50 children.

Bob is a very assertive squirrel. He begs for food in Lafayette Park in DC. He will walk right up to you and chitter. To me it sounds like "GIMME GIMME GIMME." I often shoo Bob away from my lunch. I tell Bob the squirrel to "GO AWAY YOU CUTE LITTLE RODENT. Ok here is the cookie. Now go away before I have to give you my chips" I've lost many a negotiation to Bob. I don't know what happens.

One morning I was walking to work. I left McPherson Square and was very glad to have survived my commute. I crossed some streets and was thinking "Today is going to be alright....I am not going to get fired!" And then I felt a squish under my foot. I look down and see I stepped on Bob! Oh God! Bob the squirrel is dead and I stepped on him! Oh the humanity! Bob had a run in with a taxi cab! I can't confirm that a taxi killed him but I'd like to think it was quick. They are the fastest drivers in DC. It is the best way to go.

Dearest Bob the squirrel, godspeed you cute little rodent! I hope you go to the big chocolate chip in the sky!

Bad chickens

Oh my goodness, it is art gone wrong. See for yourself:
http://www.shopgoodwill.com/viewItem.asp?ItemID=1079784

Those are some really bad chickens.

What was the artist thinking? Oh my gosh, today I am going to sculpt Chickens! And I am going to color them too! Oh if you bid, be aware that the chickens aren't authenticated!

I wonder....are these mass produced chickens? Is there some kind of Perdue clay assembly line of unauthenticated multicolored hens? The horror!

Note to self, civility is dead.

Today has not been stellar. I have had the worst commute home ever. This ranks right up there with the ice storm of 97. That was a very cold day. I vowed never to work in DC ever again.

On Wednesday eve, I left McPherson Square and ventured onto the Blue Line. I was aghast at the number of people squeezed onto the trains. No problem.

More people come on at Farragut West. OK. Things are a little tight, but I can still breathe.

OK, at GW/Foggy Bottom, all hell breaks loose. I am stuck in a corner and can go no further back on the train. There is a group of three people, one is in a wheel chair, and they are sitting in the reserved area. I am the closest person near them. There is no way to get past them. A bunch of people get onto the train. This lady tries to squeeze past me. I tell her I can't move there is a person in a wheel chair right behind me. I tell her there is no space to get past. She says EXCUSE ME. I tell her NO, you can't get past without hopping over the person in the wheelchair's legs. She says she is going to do it anyway. I told her that "You are RUDE!." She hops over. I am dismayed. My fellow trainmates are digusted as well. One person says that people will do anything. I agree. For the next 15 minutes I hear this person complain about rude people on trains.

I am really really dismayed at the lack of civility on Metro. If I had one of my hospitality pineapples I would have hit her in the ole noggin. Death be a pineapple tonight!

The way of the Drunken Noodle

Well I haven't been fired yet. It is quite amazing. Truly the strongest and most adept survive. Watch out Shoopie and Minion, I have big opposable thumbs and I am not afraid to use them!

Anyway, life continues in Northern Virginia. Another Thai restaurant opens...the Earth continues to spin.

Welcome to Northern Virginia. Northern Virginia is the piece of Virginia that is situated west of Washington DC, eastern and southern border is ever expanding. Watch our Richmond and Front Royal!

In NOVA, there are 100 Thai restaurants per 100 persons. And this is a good thing. One hasn't lived until one has eaten drunken noodles. Sometimes there is a drunken noodle fatality and the rato drops to 100 Thai restaurants per 99 persons. I almost witnessed a drunken noodle incident. Luckily our waiter was quite alert and filled our water glasses before anything got out of hand.

In NOVA, you can't buy fake Kate Spades because the police are always alert. The police are really on the ball in Northern Virginia. They have helicopters, boats, swat teams, and multiple shooting ranges. If I were a criminal, I would go elsewhere. I am not sure where but Northern Virginia is really not conducive to nefarious business.

The people in Northern Virginia are from all around the world. However, they have one thing in common. They loooove their shopping. They particularly looove their warehouse clubs. If you ever want to go on Arlington safari, I suggest you go to the COSTCO in Pentagon City. There you will see Northern Virginia finest scampering about looking for the best deal on 1 hundred pounds of nuts and 10 loaves of bread. This is the ultimate place to go for pre-snow chaos storm shopping. This is also a wonderful place to get tires. I love to shop but I even I cannot handle the other ultimate shopping playground, TYSONS CORNER.

Tysons I and II and the surrounding area frightens me. I am not sure if its the people or the fact that I lose my car everytime I go there. I often spend more time looking for my car than shopping. It stresses me out. And the parking is so darn aggressive. I wonder why. The people have to get out of the cars to shop. They have to become pedestrians too one day. Well, you can have your car valet parked at Tyson's II. Regardless, I have almost gotten hit by Hummers, Lexuses, and Mercedes. This is not good because these are all big vehicles. I much rather get hit by a GEO or PRIUS. Or better yet, I wouldn't mind getting hit by a BEETLE. I could roll right over the windshield and land gently on the roof, brush myself off, and go to Cinnabon and chortle about what just happened. If one gets hit by a Hummer, I am afraid that you should probably say Hasta la vista baby and call 911. You are going to be terminated.

Anway, I will probably go shopping tomorow and eat some drunken noodles. Truly that is a perfect day.

Worst case scenarios

Well it's Sunday, no worries about being fired. Unless my Omni-boss develops a mean streak. I don't think he will. But if Shoopie and Minion have anything to do with it, I may be on the Acela towards points North. Note, Acela is train on the Amtrak system. You can catch it at Union Station and it is a very fast and convient way to get away from your enemies. I haven't tried it yet but one must always have a contingency plan to deal with worst cast scenarios.

Anyway, its Sunday. For those who don't know it, it is a day of leisure and church for the locals. They usually congregate at Panera after their Church services. Others tend to walk around their Yuppie neighborhoods and make snarky comments towards defenseless yard ornaments.

Just call me the pineapple of death. Oh good lord, I got mistaken for a nanny today. There is nothing wrong with being a nanny. I just don't like the surprised expression I get when I say I own the house I am working in front of. I am going to go Incredible Hulk on their butt and see whos got the biggest green thumb! Anyway, I was working in front of my house and a neighbor walks by with her two grandchildren. The children wave, I wave back. My neighbor waves...I wave back. She says hi...you get the picture. She asks if I live in the house right there. I say yes, I live here. She asks me TWICE whether I am the owner!! I say YES I am the owner. She waits a few minutes. She asks if I have children. I say no. She asks how old I am. I say ##. She says I got a few years left. I say thanks. She asks what I do. I say I work at DOLT in the Bureau of Intrigue and Backstabbing (BIT) for short. She says that is nice and her daughter and son-in-law are both aeronautical engineers. I say wow and isn't that nice! She says yes it is and says bye bye. I am floored. I think she was looking for a nanny for her grandkids and I fit the bill.

So far in my neighBOORhood I have been mistaken for a painter, roofer, general contractor, and nanny. I don't know what it is. Is it what I wear or how I look? My neighbors are tres snarky!

Well Northern Virginia sucks. The locals are tres rude! Thank goodness this area is highly transitional and you will get a new set in about two years. I recommend if you don't like your neighbors, steal their concrete pineapples and you will feel lots better. I do!

Lightning DOLTs

Well, I haven't been fired yet so that was a good start to the day. I am still waiting for the hammer of injustice to fall. But at least I have lots of anecdotes from the Department of Literal Things (DOLT) for short.

Today was an auspicious day at DOLT. A herd of Generation Ys congregated around a computer to discuss the upcoming softball league lineup. They were strategizing to optimize their maximum productive synergistic potential. Yes, they were going to go play against and try to dominate another government agency's softball team. The "Lightening DOLTS" may go mano a mano with various teams such as the "Polka DOTs" , "D'OHS, "WHOos", "Mighty mighty DOS tones" or the "MEATAballs."

Best of luck "Lightening DOLTS" I wish you well, unleash the dogs of hell and all that.

Northern Virginia post report

Well I haven't been fired yet so I guess I am going to talk about living in Northern Virginia. The following will be very helpful to anyone relocating to the area.

On arrival at Dulles Airport, you will receive two concrete Pineapples. On arriving at your new home place the concrete pineapples around your home. Northern Virginia folk place concrete pineapples around their property as decorative objets. They aren't used to ward off evil spirits or the tax man. Don't worry if your pineapples match your house, no one's "pineapples of hospitality" do. If you have a home bigger than a townhouse you may need more than 2 pineapples to establish a hospitality perimeter. If that is the case, go to Home Depot where there is a wide selection of concrete fruits to choose from.

Once in country, try to establish key relationships with the locals. The locals enjoy talking about where to get the best tomatoes and drink microbrew. If they have toddlers, you might want to discuss what college their parents are planning for them and who is the best soccer coach for the post embryo in training set. It is always appropriate to discuss commuting time, what one does, and how much one makes. Their is an informal caste system based upon Federal grade level. You can recognize this based upon how many hospitality pineapples a person has in their yard. A four pineapple yard is nothing to sneeze at. Don't worry you will have your chance to accumulate pineapples. Just be patient.

Northern Virginian folk aren't very friendly or helpful. They would sooner take your pineapples then offer assistance. Neighbors of many months are known to turn their nose up and ignore a friendly wave and hello. Don't take it personally, it is just a custom. I have a particularly evil group surrounding my townhouse. They often mistake me for a contractor as I am working on my townhouse. I often thought that I should create letterheard and invoices and start charging them for my time. The only time a neighbor talks to me is when they mistake me for a contractor. What is frightening is that the same neighbors make the same mistakes! Good grief where are these people from Northern Virginia? Anyway, I am planning to paint my pineapple of happiness in urban camo. I got the idea from a Cabelas catalogue. I wonder if the home owners association will notice it.

Post nest distress syndrome

Hello again from the field. I happen'ed upon a group of young generation WHY males near my work pod chatting about life and how crummy it is. Oh the poor things. They are learning how to make their way in the world and they are lamenting how college was soooo much better. I am not sure how long I can listen or observe. I might burst into uncontrollable laughter or tears depending upon their little songs. Oh it is very difficult to be objective with the field subjects! Everything is about ME ME ME.

One of the fledglings tweeted about surviving in DC. Yes this is something I could relate too! Well, almost. The fledgling discussed how his parents financially supported him during college. They paid for his car, apartment, clothes, grooming products, and inessentials. Now they paid nothing! He was on his own in this cold world. He had to pay for everything with his own money! That he made! And he still had the same car that he did in college! Oh MY GOD! And he has to pay to have the hoopte fixed. I listened and did not understand why this was so surprising to the field subject. Why why why! That is why they are called Generation Y. I think the field subject is suffering from post nest distress synydrome. It is a common affliction at DOLT.

Post nest distress syndrome is the reaction to a new job, unhappy hours, hoopte bills, crazy girl or boyfriends or both, and relating this to someone who has exactly the same problem. This affliction can be resolved through aging, firing, or graduate school. Graduate school seems to fix the problems if fledgling support is continued. Or it may backfire and cause mixed feelings and dating people much too young. Certain professors have mild cases. Be careful and be aware of all of these signs.

I'd like House Fries with that!

Thank goodness, I still haven't been fired. I am pleased that I still have a job. Last week I was sent on a very important mission, get my metro check allowance. Metrocheck is a wonderful thing. Basically, DOLT is subsidizing my commute to work via metro or other environmentally friendly option. All I needed to do was find the Department of Public Transportation and plead my case before the metrocheck clerks. Based on my ability to say please and forms filed in triplicate beforehand, I might be be allowed to go the metro dole.

First I had to find DOPT. Then I had to find my way to the correct DOPT building. DOPT is in a very modern confusing building whose entry points make absolutely no sense. Thank goodness one of the HR persons at DOLT gave me a map and wished me the best of luck on my metrocheck mission. As I left DOLT, I checked if I had all my DC necessities. Metrocard, check, bottled water, check, mugger money, check, book, check, sense of direction, check, ability to withstand orange people, check. And away I went.

My trip to DOPT went just fine! The metro check clerks were cheerful and quite unlike the Beetlejuice like clerks that I imagined. Since I was in the hood, I thought I'd drop by a Hill cafeteria for a nice lunch. Everything was find until I ordered.

I told the person I wanted a club sandwich with FRENCH FRIES! I heard absolute silence. I looked up and saw that FRENCH FRIES were HOUSE FRIES. Quel horreur! Zut alors I made a major faux pas! J'ai un mal a la tet! Thank goodness people starting breathing again and the sandwich clerk looked at my badge. I hope he thought I was a stupid young intern.....and it was ok I said something so stupide!

Anyway, they gave me my sandwich and HOUSE FRIES. It was very good. I do need to be more careful what I say around people!

Another day, another spreadsheet

I didn't get fired today.  I think this is an accomplishment.  I thought surely the ax was going to fall on Monday.  I am not a bad person or anything.  I just got off to a really really bumpy start with some people.  God knows getting along is a requirement for a good employee at the Department of Literal-Things (DOLT) for short.  The motto here is "We think so you don't have to." So maybe my guardian angel is looking out for me.  If that is the case, I just want to say to my guardian angel, good job, I don't know what you did or which senior anager you talked to but I am extremely relieved to still have my job.  I really want to work at DOLT I really really do.  Thank you ever so much guardian angel, my next spreadsheet is dedicated to you!

So today was my first not-so-horrible day at work.  I hope this trend continues.  God knows downward trends are bad things, especially for the messenger. Even DC wasn't as humid as usual.  I wish the Founding Fathers wrote in the constitution that all government business should cease or transfer to a cooler place during the god-awful summers in DC.  Perhaps, the government should move to someplace nice during the summer like Seattle.  The DC locals would get a break and other parts of the country could enjoy being a part of the "beltway experience." 

I think on my next vacation I will go someplace cold.       

Soup to Nuts

It is Monday Eve, I hope I don't get fired tomorrow. 
 
I started to think about the squirrels in McPherson Square.  They have a pretty good life.  Everybody feeds them.  They don't care if their food comes from a bum or a lawyer.  They don't have to answer to anybody.  They just run around and frolic. 
 
On the other hand, they don't have health insurance or a pension plan like I do.  God, if they break their leg, they can't go to a squirrel orthopedist and then get physical therapy.  Nobody is going to help them cross the street or anything to get snacks from Cosi or Au Bon Pain.  OK, maybe squirrels don't have it so good.  But at least they are oblivious and definitely don't have to take Metro to get to work.
 
OK, I have decided that I am not going to get TKO'ed in this job.  I am going to steel myself for battle.  I was soooo naive to think this job would be a piece of cake.  I have survived X number of years working for the MAN, I can carve out my place in the world again.  Wreck havoc and unleash the dogs of hell!  Bring it on Minion and Shoobie, bring it on! 

Field Observations

On Thursday, I observed a nest of post-graduate K street metro-sexuals feasting upon salad and talking politics.  It was very exciting.  I don't usually see them in such close proximity to each other.  They tend to stay in front of their computers and go out for occasional breaks to groom themselves for post-work mating rituals at outdoor cafes.  I was sitting in the cafeteria eating my BLT and reading Vanity Fair when they arrived en masse.
 
They put down their salads from Cosi and started to talk about structural adjustment and how debt should be forgiven to these least developed "third world" countries.  I chuckled to myself when I heard that.  I think the closest they have been to a third world country is going to Cancun for spring break. 
 
Anyway, I digress.  One of the group said that the United States should just take over these poor countries and renovate them.  What?  Is that the proper economic term for it?  There were many hoots and hollers after that comment. I think he just lost status with the rest of the tribe.  Poor thing I don't think he is going to get a invite to the Friday happy hour.  He might as well get his hair styling products and designer sunglasses out of his locker and go home.  I have one word of advice, take a taxi, metro is on non-rush hour train around 12:30 PM.  You could be standing in the train station at McPherson Square for a good 15 minutes and your hair gel might melt.
 
Finally, it was 12:55 PM.  I thoroughly enjoyed my observation post, but, I must go back to my work station.  Next week, if they don't fire me, I will come back to this watering hole and observe other lunch rituals.  Signing off from the field.
 
 

Enemy Mine

Oh my god.  Shoobie was in a really really bad mood today.  She pestered me about everything.  She wants to know where I went to school,  how long I have been married, and the rest of my curriculum vitae. She is really in my face.  Shoobie I wish I could just shoop shoop shoop you under the carpet and not have to deal with you.  She wants to know all these things because she is totally psycho and possibly feeling challenged.  Already, she has tried to make me look like a dum dum in front of the senior staff.  I thought the staff at this government agency would have more class. False advertising to say the least! Shoobie, here is the 411 sweetie, you may have a graduate degree but you have no manners. Shoobie, you are no Dan Quayle.  I never met Dan Quayle but if I did, I am quite sure he would be nicer than you Shoobie.   

Work is really tough

Ooohh no.  I think I am going to get fired!  I just started a job around K street in DC and thought I was going to conquer the world.  After this week I am just glad that I can conquer my commute.  God I hate Metro.  It is very orange and unpleasant.  The people in my job are slightly orangish and very unpleasant.  Their mother must be Metro.  Why oh why did I take this job? I thought it was going to be really cool to work in DC.  My new coworkers are evil.  I will call them Minion and Shoobie. 
 
I should have realized the error of my ways on Monday.  I went to get a metrocard and was dumbfounded by the directions.  I wasn't sure what button to push.  I am not very technically adept which is really funny considering what I do.  A very helpful Washingtonian walked up beside me and commented "It isn't a trick question, push the fare card button"  OOohh snarky washingtionian I hate you and your superior handling of metrofare card dispensers.  Ooooh evil one.  I commented back, "I never take metro." Yes, that was my witty rejoinder.  Uugh.
 
So I went to work and it went downhill from there.