Sunday, August 15, 2004

Worst case scenarios

Well it's Sunday, no worries about being fired. Unless my Omni-boss develops a mean streak. I don't think he will. But if Shoopie and Minion have anything to do with it, I may be on the Acela towards points North. Note, Acela is train on the Amtrak system. You can catch it at Union Station and it is a very fast and convient way to get away from your enemies. I haven't tried it yet but one must always have a contingency plan to deal with worst cast scenarios.

Anyway, its Sunday. For those who don't know it, it is a day of leisure and church for the locals. They usually congregate at Panera after their Church services. Others tend to walk around their Yuppie neighborhoods and make snarky comments towards defenseless yard ornaments.

Just call me the pineapple of death. Oh good lord, I got mistaken for a nanny today. There is nothing wrong with being a nanny. I just don't like the surprised expression I get when I say I own the house I am working in front of. I am going to go Incredible Hulk on their butt and see whos got the biggest green thumb! Anyway, I was working in front of my house and a neighbor walks by with her two grandchildren. The children wave, I wave back. My neighbor waves...I wave back. She says hi...you get the picture. She asks if I live in the house right there. I say yes, I live here. She asks me TWICE whether I am the owner!! I say YES I am the owner. She waits a few minutes. She asks if I have children. I say no. She asks how old I am. I say ##. She says I got a few years left. I say thanks. She asks what I do. I say I work at DOLT in the Bureau of Intrigue and Backstabbing (BIT) for short. She says that is nice and her daughter and son-in-law are both aeronautical engineers. I say wow and isn't that nice! She says yes it is and says bye bye. I am floored. I think she was looking for a nanny for her grandkids and I fit the bill.

So far in my neighBOORhood I have been mistaken for a painter, roofer, general contractor, and nanny. I don't know what it is. Is it what I wear or how I look? My neighbors are tres snarky!

Well Northern Virginia sucks. The locals are tres rude! Thank goodness this area is highly transitional and you will get a new set in about two years. I recommend if you don't like your neighbors, steal their concrete pineapples and you will feel lots better. I do!

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Lightning DOLTs

Well, I haven't been fired yet so that was a good start to the day. I am still waiting for the hammer of injustice to fall. But at least I have lots of anecdotes from the Department of Literal Things (DOLT) for short.

Today was an auspicious day at DOLT. A herd of Generation Ys congregated around a computer to discuss the upcoming softball league lineup. They were strategizing to optimize their maximum productive synergistic potential. Yes, they were going to go play against and try to dominate another government agency's softball team. The "Lightening DOLTS" may go mano a mano with various teams such as the "Polka DOTs" , "D'OHS, "WHOos", "Mighty mighty DOS tones" or the "MEATAballs."

Best of luck "Lightening DOLTS" I wish you well, unleash the dogs of hell and all that.


Monday, August 09, 2004

Northern Virginia post report

Well I haven't been fired yet so I guess I am going to talk about living in Northern Virginia. The following will be very helpful to anyone relocating to the area.

On arrival at Dulles Airport, you will receive two concrete Pineapples. On arriving at your new home place the concrete pineapples around your home. Northern Virginia folk place concrete pineapples around their property as decorative objets. They aren't used to ward off evil spirits or the tax man. Don't worry if your pineapples match your house, no one's "pineapples of hospitality" do. If you have a home bigger than a townhouse you may need more than 2 pineapples to establish a hospitality perimeter. If that is the case, go to Home Depot where there is a wide selection of concrete fruits to choose from.

Once in country, try to establish key relationships with the locals. The locals enjoy talking about where to get the best tomatoes and drink microbrew. If they have toddlers, you might want to discuss what college their parents are planning for them and who is the best soccer coach for the post embryo in training set. It is always appropriate to discuss commuting time, what one does, and how much one makes. Their is an informal caste system based upon Federal grade level. You can recognize this based upon how many hospitality pineapples a person has in their yard. A four pineapple yard is nothing to sneeze at. Don't worry you will have your chance to accumulate pineapples. Just be patient.

Northern Virginian folk aren't very friendly or helpful. They would sooner take your pineapples then offer assistance. Neighbors of many months are known to turn their nose up and ignore a friendly wave and hello. Don't take it personally, it is just a custom. I have a particularly evil group surrounding my townhouse. They often mistake me for a contractor as I am working on my townhouse. I often thought that I should create letterheard and invoices and start charging them for my time. The only time a neighbor talks to me is when they mistake me for a contractor. What is frightening is that the same neighbors make the same mistakes! Good grief where are these people from Northern Virginia? Anyway, I am planning to paint my pineapple of happiness in urban camo. I got the idea from a Cabelas catalogue. I wonder if the home owners association will notice it.