Post nest distress syndrome

Hello again from the field. I happen'ed upon a group of young generation WHY males near my work pod chatting about life and how crummy it is. Oh the poor things. They are learning how to make their way in the world and they are lamenting how college was soooo much better. I am not sure how long I can listen or observe. I might burst into uncontrollable laughter or tears depending upon their little songs. Oh it is very difficult to be objective with the field subjects! Everything is about ME ME ME.

One of the fledglings tweeted about surviving in DC. Yes this is something I could relate too! Well, almost. The fledgling discussed how his parents financially supported him during college. They paid for his car, apartment, clothes, grooming products, and inessentials. Now they paid nothing! He was on his own in this cold world. He had to pay for everything with his own money! That he made! And he still had the same car that he did in college! Oh MY GOD! And he has to pay to have the hoopte fixed. I listened and did not understand why this was so surprising to the field subject. Why why why! That is why they are called Generation Y. I think the field subject is suffering from post nest distress synydrome. It is a common affliction at DOLT.

Post nest distress syndrome is the reaction to a new job, unhappy hours, hoopte bills, crazy girl or boyfriends or both, and relating this to someone who has exactly the same problem. This affliction can be resolved through aging, firing, or graduate school. Graduate school seems to fix the problems if fledgling support is continued. Or it may backfire and cause mixed feelings and dating people much too young. Certain professors have mild cases. Be careful and be aware of all of these signs.

I'd like House Fries with that!

Thank goodness, I still haven't been fired. I am pleased that I still have a job. Last week I was sent on a very important mission, get my metro check allowance. Metrocheck is a wonderful thing. Basically, DOLT is subsidizing my commute to work via metro or other environmentally friendly option. All I needed to do was find the Department of Public Transportation and plead my case before the metrocheck clerks. Based on my ability to say please and forms filed in triplicate beforehand, I might be be allowed to go the metro dole.

First I had to find DOPT. Then I had to find my way to the correct DOPT building. DOPT is in a very modern confusing building whose entry points make absolutely no sense. Thank goodness one of the HR persons at DOLT gave me a map and wished me the best of luck on my metrocheck mission. As I left DOLT, I checked if I had all my DC necessities. Metrocard, check, bottled water, check, mugger money, check, book, check, sense of direction, check, ability to withstand orange people, check. And away I went.

My trip to DOPT went just fine! The metro check clerks were cheerful and quite unlike the Beetlejuice like clerks that I imagined. Since I was in the hood, I thought I'd drop by a Hill cafeteria for a nice lunch. Everything was find until I ordered.

I told the person I wanted a club sandwich with FRENCH FRIES! I heard absolute silence. I looked up and saw that FRENCH FRIES were HOUSE FRIES. Quel horreur! Zut alors I made a major faux pas! J'ai un mal a la tet! Thank goodness people starting breathing again and the sandwich clerk looked at my badge. I hope he thought I was a stupid young intern.....and it was ok I said something so stupide!

Anyway, they gave me my sandwich and HOUSE FRIES. It was very good. I do need to be more careful what I say around people!

Another day, another spreadsheet

I didn't get fired today.  I think this is an accomplishment.  I thought surely the ax was going to fall on Monday.  I am not a bad person or anything.  I just got off to a really really bumpy start with some people.  God knows getting along is a requirement for a good employee at the Department of Literal-Things (DOLT) for short.  The motto here is "We think so you don't have to." So maybe my guardian angel is looking out for me.  If that is the case, I just want to say to my guardian angel, good job, I don't know what you did or which senior anager you talked to but I am extremely relieved to still have my job.  I really want to work at DOLT I really really do.  Thank you ever so much guardian angel, my next spreadsheet is dedicated to you!

So today was my first not-so-horrible day at work.  I hope this trend continues.  God knows downward trends are bad things, especially for the messenger. Even DC wasn't as humid as usual.  I wish the Founding Fathers wrote in the constitution that all government business should cease or transfer to a cooler place during the god-awful summers in DC.  Perhaps, the government should move to someplace nice during the summer like Seattle.  The DC locals would get a break and other parts of the country could enjoy being a part of the "beltway experience." 

I think on my next vacation I will go someplace cold.       

Soup to Nuts

It is Monday Eve, I hope I don't get fired tomorrow. 
 
I started to think about the squirrels in McPherson Square.  They have a pretty good life.  Everybody feeds them.  They don't care if their food comes from a bum or a lawyer.  They don't have to answer to anybody.  They just run around and frolic. 
 
On the other hand, they don't have health insurance or a pension plan like I do.  God, if they break their leg, they can't go to a squirrel orthopedist and then get physical therapy.  Nobody is going to help them cross the street or anything to get snacks from Cosi or Au Bon Pain.  OK, maybe squirrels don't have it so good.  But at least they are oblivious and definitely don't have to take Metro to get to work.
 
OK, I have decided that I am not going to get TKO'ed in this job.  I am going to steel myself for battle.  I was soooo naive to think this job would be a piece of cake.  I have survived X number of years working for the MAN, I can carve out my place in the world again.  Wreck havoc and unleash the dogs of hell!  Bring it on Minion and Shoobie, bring it on! 

Field Observations

On Thursday, I observed a nest of post-graduate K street metro-sexuals feasting upon salad and talking politics.  It was very exciting.  I don't usually see them in such close proximity to each other.  They tend to stay in front of their computers and go out for occasional breaks to groom themselves for post-work mating rituals at outdoor cafes.  I was sitting in the cafeteria eating my BLT and reading Vanity Fair when they arrived en masse.
 
They put down their salads from Cosi and started to talk about structural adjustment and how debt should be forgiven to these least developed "third world" countries.  I chuckled to myself when I heard that.  I think the closest they have been to a third world country is going to Cancun for spring break. 
 
Anyway, I digress.  One of the group said that the United States should just take over these poor countries and renovate them.  What?  Is that the proper economic term for it?  There were many hoots and hollers after that comment. I think he just lost status with the rest of the tribe.  Poor thing I don't think he is going to get a invite to the Friday happy hour.  He might as well get his hair styling products and designer sunglasses out of his locker and go home.  I have one word of advice, take a taxi, metro is on non-rush hour train around 12:30 PM.  You could be standing in the train station at McPherson Square for a good 15 minutes and your hair gel might melt.
 
Finally, it was 12:55 PM.  I thoroughly enjoyed my observation post, but, I must go back to my work station.  Next week, if they don't fire me, I will come back to this watering hole and observe other lunch rituals.  Signing off from the field.
 
 

Enemy Mine

Oh my god.  Shoobie was in a really really bad mood today.  She pestered me about everything.  She wants to know where I went to school,  how long I have been married, and the rest of my curriculum vitae. She is really in my face.  Shoobie I wish I could just shoop shoop shoop you under the carpet and not have to deal with you.  She wants to know all these things because she is totally psycho and possibly feeling challenged.  Already, she has tried to make me look like a dum dum in front of the senior staff.  I thought the staff at this government agency would have more class. False advertising to say the least! Shoobie, here is the 411 sweetie, you may have a graduate degree but you have no manners. Shoobie, you are no Dan Quayle.  I never met Dan Quayle but if I did, I am quite sure he would be nicer than you Shoobie.   

Work is really tough

Ooohh no.  I think I am going to get fired!  I just started a job around K street in DC and thought I was going to conquer the world.  After this week I am just glad that I can conquer my commute.  God I hate Metro.  It is very orange and unpleasant.  The people in my job are slightly orangish and very unpleasant.  Their mother must be Metro.  Why oh why did I take this job? I thought it was going to be really cool to work in DC.  My new coworkers are evil.  I will call them Minion and Shoobie. 
 
I should have realized the error of my ways on Monday.  I went to get a metrocard and was dumbfounded by the directions.  I wasn't sure what button to push.  I am not very technically adept which is really funny considering what I do.  A very helpful Washingtonian walked up beside me and commented "It isn't a trick question, push the fare card button"  OOohh snarky washingtionian I hate you and your superior handling of metrofare card dispensers.  Ooooh evil one.  I commented back, "I never take metro." Yes, that was my witty rejoinder.  Uugh.
 
So I went to work and it went downhill from there.