Sturm und Drang

Well, I have had enough of the office mate and requested a transfer. She is rapidly approaching delusional. I hope to be out of the office by the end of October. Since she is so mean, the proverbial gloves are off and I can make mock her without remorse.....if she kills me before then, perhaps my blog will be helpful to the authorities.

About two weeks ago she made an announcement. She told me that she is going to marry my coworker "Dean." So what do you say to that? I think I said "Oh"

Point 1: Dean and Ms. Hot House Flower aren't involved
Point 2: She is 42 yrs old and he is 25. Hellooo Mrs. Robinson
Point 3: "Dean" only dates asian ladies. And Ms. Hot House Flower isn't.
Point 4: She is dating some guy in Baltimore. Nice morals hunh?

I really want to be out of the office when she realizes that it isn't gonna work out between her and Dean. Watch out Dean, I think my office mate is a bunny killer a la Fatal Attraction.

When coworkers see Pookas

Well, I don't know if its weather related but my office mate seems to have lost her tenuous grip on reality. This is the office mate that I refer to as Ms. Hot House Flower (HHF).

She asked if I remembered a contractor who worked with us last year AKA 'JOE'. I said yes. She asked if I remembered when Joe called Ben (one of my coworkers) a 'Potato Head' (VEG is substituted to protect identity.) I scrambled for an answer and said 'I don't recall much of anything last year about this contractor.' She was somewhat mystified.

I can't imagine Joe ever calling Ben a spud head. Is Ms. HHF delusional? I don't know if I should tell my boss about this. It is just too weird to sit with someone who makes this stuff up.

Maybe she has an imaginary Pooka or in her case a Spudka or Potatoeooka.

Apre moi, le deluge

Well in case you haven't heard, all hell is breaking loose in Washington DC:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/06/26/AR2006062600234.html

Yes, we have a interim time during our West Nile summer vacation, its summer flood time everybody. We are expected to get rain for the next four days or so. And we are already doing so well with just one day!!!

Currently, the Department of Homeland Security is advising commuters to bring small rafts or personal inflatable kayaks in case they need to evacuate Metrorail in a hurry. Yes, wouldn't it be fun to go under the Potomac tunnel: underwater and on a kayak! Plus with the electrified third rail, it'll just be like a Disney ride. Pirates on the Potomac. I digress...you'd have to get on to K street for that ride.

Its kind of funny to have this quasi natural disaster right now. It really keeps my mind off the big things.

Joe and his toe on the metro

As I was returning home on Metrorail last week, I overheard a very strange conversation.

This 20ish year old man "Joe" was talking to his pals and lamenting the state of his toe. Apparently, that morning the metro escalator tried to eat his toe. He fought back, but the metro escalator took a good chunk off. Normally, this wouldn't bother me but I looked down and saw the toe. It was covered in alot of gauze and wrap. I almost hurled on Joe's toe. I was buried in a book and didn't realize that the offending digit was right next to me.

I can't imagine who would be more horrorfied...me, the toe, or Joe.

Beating coffee beans into bullets

Today there was much rejoicing. A Caribou Coffee opened on 15th and L. Now I am in the center of the coffee trifecta. Au Bon Pain, Starbucks, and Caribou Coffee.

However, not all my coworkers share my joy. I was talking to "Ethel" in the break room and expressing how happy I was to get a free coupon for Caribou Coffee. In walks "Bill." He proceeds to tell me how Caribou Coffee is owned by an Islamic Bank and how they fund terrorists. (I have researched this issue and found yes most of their stock is owned by an investment bank Islamic Bank of Bahrain but they do not have any ties to terrorists.)

I tell him I think he is full of crap about the terrorism ties. He told me to go ahead and "Stick My HEAD INTO the sand. And my Coffee is funding terrorists." I roll my eyes at him and say "Whatever...I am going to enjoy my coffee"

What a jerk! Who is he to question my patriotism? I love the United States. If I thought for one minute that my coffee beans were used to fund bullets, I'd be the first one to stop drinking coffee from there. I am not going to drink "Conflict Coffee."

Wow what a conspiracy theorist! I think Bill is off his meds. I can't wait till he retires too. I am going to secretly replace his Folgers with Caribou Coffee Beans and see if he can tell the difference!

Surburban Poachers:

I had a terrible terrible problem with my dryer. It smelled like something died in it. It was time to go to the Professionals.

Mr. Dryer Guy came on time and promptly figured out the problem. I had an abandoned nest composed of rotting mulch in my dryer vent. Nothing died, it was just a gross leftover nest type of thing. I wanted to hug Mr. Dryer Guy! He got to work and then the neighbors started to come over.

They talked to Mr. Dryer Guy and began to interrupt his work. Since Mr. Dryer Guy works by the job not by the hour, I really didn't care if he discussed business with him. I am quite annoyed with my neighbors though. They don't introduce themselves, they just try to poach my contractors. I only see them when I have an outdoor house problem. Actually, they have mistaken me for a contractor because they don't recognize me (even though I live next door to them in Cameron Station)

I have thought about creating joke business cards and handing them out. Is that illegal?

I really might make alot of money as an amatuer mulcher and small garden stylist.

Stockholm syndrome worker case study

I forgot to bring the Moet to work. I was going to toast at my main enemy Shoopies retirement party!

Today was her last day.

It was a very very strange event. The retirement party started like a presentation. Her bosses got up and talked about what a great person she was. It was very much like a funeral except the deceased was looking on with a sneer. Basically every body said she was this awesome worker bee and she didn't suffer fools.

One of her mentorees Mr. Mini-Me got up and talked about how her biting criticism made him stronger. And wow isn't she great!

I think these people have a variant of Stockholm Syndrome. I hope with some time and therapy they will get past this.

I stifled the giggles as I watched the eye rolling from all of the other 'mentoree.' My office roommate Ms. Hothouse Flower told me that this afternooon was so 'sad' because this lady is retiring. I mumbled something back.

I never thought I'd see this day because I thought I'd quit before she retired.

I'd like to quote the Munchkins:

"Ding dong the Witch is dead, the Wicked Witch is dead"

Queen Elizabeth wave

I went for a walk yesterday with Mr. Spouse. We often see neighbors and such on our stroll. I have learned that neighbors do not talk or acknowledge each other in Northern Virginia. In fact it is discouraged.

I can't help waving to them. I just can't stop my hand from saying "Hey Neighbor." They often respond by looking in the other direction or closing their garage door. So I have developed a new waving technique. I call it a "Sardonic Salute" I mix the Queen Elizabeth wave with short salute gesture. I have gotten mixed results.

However, the Sardonic Salute makes me happy. I get to be slightly sarcastic and neighborly at the same time. How can you go wrong with that?

Team building excercise in futility

Due to peer pressure, I caved in and attended a team building event at lunch today.

I will never have those two hours of my life back. Oh well.

We watched a movie..."Office Space", ate pizza, and had freezer cake.

I watched the movie, did not eat the pizza, and passed on the freezer cake.

I never eat lunch with any of the other people on the team. In fact, I really don't care for them. Being in the same room was pure torture. Also, my boss Mr. We Don't Want to Start a Precedent was there. It is really difficult to feel team spirit when my Boss flippantly canceled my Thanksgiving vacation this past year.

On a lighter note, I don't know how people can eat pizza and cake within 20 minutes of one another. They must have stomachs of steel. Then they drank Fresca. Good Grief, I am getting queasy just thinking of this unholy combo.

Take this job and shove it up your cherry blossom!

This is in response to a vacation request during a major holiday. I am gearing up to request a another. I must be strong!

Metro most foul!

I honestly do now understand how people survive MetroRail for more than one year.

It is to be quite frank, terrible.

Today took the cake. I lucked out with a seat. I was thrilled...for about 2 seconds. The person in front of me was very very stinky. As you may know, I am not a crass person. However, in this case, I must be once again be quite frank. The person in front of me smelled like a wet dog that rolled over a dead skunk, ate part of the dead skunk, and regurgitated said skunk. It was skunky de parfum.

I never thought of my allergies were a blessing. I thanked God that my sinuses were not clear and were shielding me from this terrible human being.

Well, this person left at the Reagan station. I didn't have to hold my breath for the entire trip.

I wish they had emergency potpurri sprays on the Metro in case of these dire situations!

Oh my heck, we lost Bertie!

I heard this on the metro train the other day. A very nice group of tourists lost one of their brethern. They didn't realize that "Doors Closing" means "Get your a## on the train now!"

As the train left, I overheard one say "Well, she can get on the next train"

I thought, "Oh my heck, I hope Bertie pays attention and picks the right color train or they won't be seeing Bertie for a while"

There should be a tourist primer for MetroRail!

Plant bouncers

I love Spring. I love the pollen in the air. I love the backbreaking yard work for a 6x8 space.

But I especially love the number of concrete yard animals and fruits that magically appear every spring! I swear it looks like Noah's Ark out there!

So far I found a sheep, a frog, a deer, and numerous pineapples. I often wonder where they buy these things! Do they all go en masse to the Williamsburg Pottery Factory. Or do my neighbors buy their goods at Smith and Hawkens.

I am always quite amused by the number of pots and front stoop decoration. One townhouse here had a plant pot on every step. It looked like you had to squeeze between 5 plant pots and the railing to get up the stairs.

Also, there is a new plant pot development. I noticed many neighbors buy 3-4 ft plant pots and stick them right outside their doors. They are huge! Especially if you had shrubbery. They look like a security detail or bouncers! Do these people realize that two 5 ft behomoths are a little bit out of proportion to their door and front steps?

Coffee coffee everywhere but you gotta get in line to drink!

There is one thing I really like about DC. I have numerous places where I can obtain coffee!

I have developed a serious coffee habit. I expect nothing less than perfection if I pay about $3.00 for an espresso or abour $2 for drip. How difficult is it to make good coffee for those prices?

My favorite place is definitely my local Au Bon Pain. They really do a nice job and are very consistent about my coffee. Plus the people there are super nice.

I tried my local Starbucks and found the drip coffee undrinkable. This is the one near 15th and K. It had a bitter chemical aftertaste and was terrible. I am not a Starbucks hater. I'll happily drink an espresso drink there. So I was quite shocked how bad their regular coffee was. I see people there line up about 15 deep in the morning! I began to wonder if their specialty drinks with milk and flavorings just mask a terrible taste?

Earth to Starbucks.....improve you quality control!!! I'm off to Carribo Coffee on L street or as I like to call them "FauxBoo" because of their fakey western decor.

Metro escalator attacks!

My day started out swell! I had a dentist appointment. It was pure torture. My appointment went OK but the patient next door wasn't doing too well. Mr. Dentist told her she may not be going home with all her teeth due to "insert medical language here."

Brush and floss. For God sakes, brush and floss everybody!!!

Anyway, I go home and then venture off the Van Dorn Metro to start my commute. I got my yoga mat and about 25 lbs of stuff in my backpack. I walk up the escalator and shish boom bam I bop my shin on the escalator! I screech like a banshee! The escalator has drawn blood. Thank god I feel partially on my yoga mat! Otherwise I may have had a broken wrist.

At this point I turn around and go home. And for a time I crawl under the covers.

I'm not kidding.

Escalator 1 Economist 0

The New Officemate, "Hothouse flowerus hysterius"

My normally sane officemate flipped her top today.

I guess between her new braces and her bad lunch, I knew something bad was going to happen.

We went on our 3 PM coffee break and all hell broke lose. I asked her how her lunch seminar went. I know, how could I? For Economists, this is a normal question. We often discuss boring things like lunches and who talked about what at that brownbag luncheon. However, this little Hothouse Flower took my question way too seriously. Her retort:

"What is this a test?" ......followed by "You are asking me like you are my supervisor"

Holey Moley! I don't know where that attitude came from!

I tried not to talk to her for the rest of the day. I hope she settles down and inhales a little Miracle Grow.

Miss Marple of the Airlines

Last week, my flight from Florida to DCA was anything but dull.

We kept getting delayed and delayed due to weird mechanical problems. Even the pilot announced over the intercom that we were "having a bad door day." Funny guy!

Anyway, the people in front of my were hilarious! I thought one of them died! Really!

About 45 minutes before we landed, the people in front of my pushed up over their aisle seat guy. They were really rude. Somehow the men just fell back asleep! OK so 20 minutes later, the people didn't come back. I guess they got lost in the lavatory. Scary! But anyway, the flight attendant tried to wake up the aisle seat guy! He didn't budge....I leaned over the seat a bit to see if he was still breathing. I couldn't tell. So the flight attendant got another attendant and they start nudging the guy. I am thinking Oh great, the aisle dude is dead and the people formerly in front of me killed him and are hiding in the lavatory. I should tell the flight attendant.

Luckily the guy wakes up! I thought for sure he was dead!!! The people in front don't return to their seats. Very mysterious eh?

So much for me being Ms. Marple.

So long and thanks for all the Fish, Mr. Greenspan

Tuesday January 31st is Alan Greenspan's expected last day at the Fed.

Thanks for keeping it real and rational Mr. Greenspan!!!

Godspeed in your post-Fed irrational exuberance!

Note, the title is a gentle allusion to Douglas Adams.

Yuppie panic attack

I went to Whole Foods in Annadale, VA to pick up overly coddled pony size streamed shrimp. And I found out that they closed! Oh the horror!

They moved to the new location in Old Town Alexandria. I looked at my spouse and whined, "Why oh why did they have to move" Yes, I had a Yuppie Panic Attack.

Apparently, Whole Foods up and left for posher pastures . I dread Old Town Alexandria due to the hellacious traffic, tight parking, and very evil parking structures.

The Old Town section of Alexandria already has a Trader Joes. Why must they have this Whole Foods too. Bloodthirsty Beaujolis swilling old towners !!! Damn them all to hell. I'll have to find another place to get overly coddled pony size steamed shrimp at a more convient location.

Freezer cake

I am thrilled about two things.

One of my mean coworkers has left for a new job. Her going away party was today.

I did not win the "Why I hate DC" and get the blog contest. See here: http://whyihatedc.blogspot.com/. The suspense was killing me. I'm glad it wasn't me....I will have extra time to pursue my arts and crafts projects.

Anyway, We need to ban going away parties. We have such a high turnover that someone asked me if we keep a cake in the freezer at work. So if someone announces their departure, all we have to do is defrost and serve.

Stairway to Heaving

I got coffee problems and the Thursday malaise and it ain’t pretty.

I wanted to try something new so I went to Cosi for coffee. I was extremely dissapointed by it. They charged me $2.41 for a gigante drip coffee. There was nothing gigante about it. In fact, I can get the same size coffee at Au Bon Pain for $1.81. Also, Cosi's coffee accessory bar is weak. They were out of skim milk and other add ons.

Why is it so difficult to have a good cup of coffee in DC?

And I don’t understand why people line up for Starbucks at 15th and K. Sometimes they are 20 deep. Honestly, the coffee isn’t very good. And, they don’t serve a very good cappuccino. Perhaps they just needed to get out of the office and the Starbucks is a nice refuge?

OK enough about the coffee. At lunch, I caught snippets of a really strange conversation.

One of the young economists here asked young economist to hit him on the right side of the head, not the left. I’m not kidding. Somebody really asked his pal to smack him. I am not sure of the context but hey does it really matter? I really wanted to volunteer and smack some sense into him.

I think these Generation Y coworkers are strange. One was also singing “Smelly Kat” earlier and playing the guitar. Also, on a daily basis one Gen Y coworker tries to sing and play Stairway to Heaven on the guitar. He can’t get past the 5th or 6th note. I am starting to have nightmares about this Lady and this Gold thing and this whole Stairway to Heaving.

According to the Cameron Station Bee

In case you don't know, there has numerous package thefts in my Alexandria neigborhood over the Christmas holiday. This has caused much consternation and unease among the yuppies.

Our local coffee place, Cameron Perks, began to offer a package delivery service. You could have your stuff shipped to the Coffee shop and they will charge you $3 to hand over your package/hostage. No, I'm not knocking them for charging ransom money. I think they are providing a valuable service during these troubling times.

Anyway, UPS, Fedex, DHL stopped dropping off any packages on people's front doors in Cameron Station. So if you wanted to get your ChristmassHanukahKwanza stuff, you had to go and pick it up at their warehouses. I personally lost a Monastery fruitcake because UPS would not believe I actually wanted my fruitcake dropped at my front door. They returned it to the Monastery in Berryville. http://www.monasteryfruitcake.org/ I know....poor me. But I love those damn fruitcakes.

I digress. So in January 2006, I receive the latest edition of the Cameron Station Bee, the community newsletter. The thief was arrested! The details were shocking!

Here they are:
1. The thief was a neighbor!
2. The thief had 60 packages!!!
3. An alert UPS delivery driver noticed this lady stalking the truck. He called the Alexandria PD and they came and got her!

And I wonder.....did this lady steal people's trashcans? I "lost" 2 and also 2 valuable recycle bins mysteriously.

I can rest easy now, knowing that my LL Bean order is safe!

My Survivor moment at work!

I just found out that my coworker, AKA Shoopie, is retiring this May! Can it be true!?

I am doing the happy dance right know. I had a sinus headache but suddenly all is clear just like if I took a menthol cough drop.

Shoopie came by my office to get office gossip from my new officemate, "Betty." Shoopie asked Betty why she looked so glum. Betty gave a noncommital answer. Shoopie pressed somemore and then Betty asked when Shoopie was going to retire. The answer was May 2006! I think Betty was annoyed that Shoopie dropped by.

Shoopie is such an idiot. Those privacy panels in the office don't block sound. Its not like I am in a cone of silence "Get Smart" reference everybody! I knew you were there Shoopie but I sure as heck did not want to talk to you. In fact when I heard the news about your retirement, I bit my tongue. I had to in order to prevent me from screaming, "Ding dong the witch is dead" I knew exactly how the munchkins felt after they resolved that entire witch problem.

Well, I did not outwit or outplay but I really think I may outlast Shoopie. One of three really isn't bad!

Lets hope I can stay under the radar for 4.5 months!

What's a CrackBerry?

Oh my gosh! The following post is not very nice. I am in a bad mood. Be warned!

Ask yourself the following...what can you call a slightly addictive e-mail device or a former Mayor of DC who just failed a drug test.....

Crackberry! or Crackbarry! Whatever one prefers!

See this http://www.wjla.com/news/stories/0106/292966.html

Shame on you Mr. Barry! Someone interviewed on the news said you did alot of good for the people of DC, the young and the old. Well you are encouraging your local industries especially the local distributors! Get help or get out of office. Maybe you can write a book called "A Million Little Potholes" about your time as the Mayor of DC. Then you can follow up with a sequel "My Friend Anthony" and talk about your misadventures on the DC Council.

Liar liar pants on fire

There has been much ado about the whole James Frey "A Million Little Pieces" scandal.

In case you haven't heard, the Smoking Gun website published a little article regarding the factual accuracy of Mr. Frey's autobiography. See here: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0104061jamesfrey1.html

Well, isn't this a kerfluffle. Imagine that, a former alcoholic and drug addict lying! Why is everybody surprised? I mean, James Frey and friends think lobster and steak are haute cuisine. Is Mr. Frey a liar or just guilty of bad taste?

I read the book and thouroughly enjoyed it. I really had to suspend belief about many passages though. I am not surprised that he took some artistic liberties. I am surprised by all the media outrage and the nasty reviews on Amazon.com. It must be a slow news day.

Larry King asked James Frey what would Oprah think? Is this question for real??? WWOT. OK Larry, Oprah is not a religous figure; she is a media mogul. And Mr. King, don't inflame the Oprahites, I'm afraid what they might do to my fav Borders. They better not ransack the bookstores and interfere with me getting my next Rachel Ray book!

Mr Frey, I think you should fess up and admit you lied. I think it would be more admirable than all the backpedaling you are doing now.